I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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