Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
