great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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