doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
