So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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