I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
