I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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