Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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