seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
