census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
what day is it and did you see me today?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
