Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
