the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
