so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
