I just saw a hot homeless man
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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