How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
