I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
