Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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