Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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