saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
