No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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