Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.