I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
