So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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