I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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