so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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