9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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