is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
