I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize