you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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