Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
