mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
