My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
