the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
