If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sorry my hands just texted you
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
did i just pee glitter
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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