thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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