the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
