Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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