Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
