Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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