if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
