im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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