Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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