I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
