I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
