New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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