everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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