somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
