you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
