Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I party with great urgency now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
