he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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