just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
