there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
