I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
