I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
