Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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