can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
