Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
