you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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