The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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