Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize