After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
