would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
