my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
