Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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