just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
