fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
