The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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