3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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